Relationship Joke

Lowyat.NET Lowyat.NET Rules and Regulations

FAQ Help Search Members Calendar

Outline · [ Standard ] · Linear+

Relationship Joke

Share on

| Track this topic | Email this topic | Print this topic

kenny B

Jan 11 2008, 12:08 AM

Show posts by this member only | Post #801

Enthusiast

Group: Senior Member
Posts: 709
Ratings earned: 0+, 0-
Ratings given: 0+, 0-

Joined: Nov 2006

QUOTE(aLittleMisfit @ Jan 10 2008, 10:45 AM)

Deadly Habits
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

aww he told him... its not a surprise anymore

tsubok

Jan 11 2008, 10:56 AM

Show posts by this member only | Post #802

Getting Started

Group: Junior Member
Posts: 71
Ratings earned: 0+, 0-
Ratings given: 0+, 0-

Joined: Jan 2003

QUOTE(kenny B @ Jan 11 2008, 12:08 AM)

aww he told him... its not a surprise anymore

ahaha...what surprise?

surprise buttseks?

aprisis

Jan 12 2008, 12:08 AM

Show posts by this member only | Post #803

Getting Started

Group: Junior Member
Posts: 266
Ratings earned: 0+, 0-
Ratings given: 0+, 0-

Joined: Jul 2007

QUOTE(aLittleMisfit @ Jan 10 2008, 10:45 AM)

Deadly Habits
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

nice 1

aLittleMisfit

Jan 15 2008, 09:06 AM

Show posts by this member only | Post #804

Honorary Life Misfit

Group: Senior Member
Posts: 550
Ratings earned: 0+, 0-
Ratings given: 0+, 0-

Joined: Jun 2006
From: MSG Land

Dirty Deaf Joke

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

'Honey,' she signs, 'Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, 'Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.'

'If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis..........fifty times'

-br0k3n-

Jan 15 2008, 08:56 PM

Show posts by this member only | Post #805

Getting Started

Group: Junior Member
Posts: 127
Ratings earned: 0+, 0-
Ratings given: 0+, 0-

Joined: Mar 2007

QUOTE(aLittleMisfit @ Jan 15 2008, 09:06 AM)

Dirty Deaf Joke
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

'Honey,' she signs, 'Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, 'Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.'

'If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis..........fifty times'

aLittleMisfit

Jan 17 2008, 09:15 AM

Show posts by this member only | Post #806

Honorary Life Misfit

Group: Senior Member
Posts: 550
Ratings earned: 0+, 0-
Ratings given: 0+, 0-

Joined: Jun 2006
From: MSG Land

I Must Call My Mom

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims, "I don't have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland."

To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says "Yes...anything!"
With that, the man says "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does!!

He then says, "Get on your knees." She does.

He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.

He then says, "Go ahead... Take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, "Well. Go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?"

Ultima

Jan 17 2008, 10:37 AM

Show posts by this member only | Post #807

KiRiSuTe GoMeN

Group: Senior Member
Posts: 4,198
Ratings earned: 0+, 0-
Ratings given: 0+, 0-

Joined: Jan 2003
From: ComForT ZoNe.....

QUOTE(aLittleMisfit @ Jan 17 2008, 09:15 AM)

I Must Call My Mom
A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims, "I don't have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland."

To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says "Yes...anything!"
With that, the man says "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does!!

He then says, "Get on your knees." She does.

He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.

He then says, "Go ahead... Take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, "Well. Go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?"

buahahahahah...

dmn purely blonde....

vkeong

Jan 17 2008, 11:52 AM

Show posts by this member only | Post #808

bestest chicken rice

Group: Senior Member
Posts: 2,580
Ratings earned: 0+, 0-
Ratings given: 0+, 0-

Joined: Jan 2003
From: hawker center

QUOTE(aLittleMisfit @ Jan 17 2008, 09:15 AM)

I Must Call My Mom

whahahahahahhaaa

-br0k3n-

Jan 17 2008, 06:25 PM

Show posts by this member only | Post #809

Getting Started

Group: Junior Member
Posts: 127
Ratings earned: 0+, 0-
Ratings given: 0+, 0-

Joined: Mar 2007

QUOTE(aLittleMisfit @ Jan 17 2008, 09:15 AM)

I Must Call My Mom
A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims, "I don't have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland."

To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says "Yes...anything!"
With that, the man says "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does!!

He then says, "Get on your knees." She does.

He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.

He then says, "Go ahead... Take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, "Well. Go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?"

HAha....

So creative

Cheesenium

Jan 17 2008, 06:52 PM

Show posts by this member only | Post #810

Pro Imperator nos addo nex

Group: Senior Member
Posts: 4,192
Ratings earned: 0+, 0-
Ratings given: 0+, 0-

Joined: Aug 2006

QUOTE(aLittleMisfit @ Jan 17 2008, 09:15 AM)

I Must Call My Mom
A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims, "I don't have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland."

To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says "Yes...anything!"
With that, the man says "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does!!

He then says, "Get on your knees." She does.

He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.

He then says, "Go ahead... Take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, "Well. Go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?"

Lol.

Wow,a d*** can also be used to call people.

aLittleMisfit

Jan 18 2008, 09:59 AM

Show posts by this member only | Post #811

Honorary Life Misfit

Group: Senior Member
Posts: 550
Ratings earned: 0+, 0-
Ratings given: 0+, 0-

Joined: Jun 2006
From: MSG Land

Blame MUM

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b****es who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the B*TCH in the kitchen!"

Ultima

Jan 18 2008, 10:33 AM

Show posts by this member only | Post #812

KiRiSuTe GoMeN

Group: Senior Member
Posts: 4,198
Ratings earned: 0+, 0-
Ratings given: 0+, 0-

Joined: Jan 2003
From: ComForT ZoNe.....

wah dmn brat...

hizperion

Jan 18 2008, 10:37 AM

Show posts by this member only | Post #813

Relentless Revolver

Group: Senior Member
Posts: 720
Ratings earned: 0+, 0-
Ratings given: 0+, 0-

Joined: Jan 2003
From: United Subang Jaya Expire: Oct 2077

how cute

aLittleMisfit

Jan 19 2008, 10:31 AM

Show posts by this member only | Post #814

Honorary Life Misfit

Group: Senior Member
Posts: 550
Ratings earned: 0+, 0-
Ratings given: 0+, 0-

Joined: Jun 2006
From: MSG Land

Anniversary Joke

It was a couples anniversary and the wife says, "Do you remember when you proposed to me? And I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"

The husband replied, "Yes honey, it was the happiest hour of my life."

chibi_tenko

Jan 19 2008, 12:25 PM

Show posts by this member only | Post #815

I see. I pinch. I squeeze

Group: Senior Member
Posts: 1,234
Ratings earned: 0+, 0-
Ratings given: 0+, 0-

Joined: Oct 2006
From: Tropicalu Janguru

QUOTE(aLittleMisfit @ Jan 8 2008, 09:10 AM)

Extending the pleasure
A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

ROFL!!!

QUOTE(aLittleMisfit @ Jan 9 2008, 11:00 AM)

Blood Bank
A guy was running for an elevator and he stuck his hand in to stop the doors, and the doors opened. Inside stood a blonde. He said, "Good morning, which floor are you going to?" She responded, "3rd floor." He pushed the 3rd floor button, plus the 5th floor for himself.

As the elevator started moving the gentleman struck up a conversation and asked the blonde where she was going. She said, "I'm going to the blood bank on the 3rd floor; I donate blood once a week for $10 to supplement my income." Then she asked the
gentleman where he was going. He responded, "I'm going to the sperm bank on the 5th floor; I donate sperm there once a week for $50 to supplement my income".

The next week the same scenario happens. He stopped the elevator doors with his hand, the doors opened and the blonde was standing inside. He smiled and greeted her and asked if she was going to the 3rd floor? The lady responded in a garbled tone (as if she had something in her mouth), "No 5th floor first."

Took me a few seconds to get the joke. ROFL!!!

aLittleMisfit

Jan 21 2008, 08:52 AM

Show posts by this member only | Post #816

Honorary Life Misfit

Group: Senior Member
Posts: 550
Ratings earned: 0+, 0-
Ratings given: 0+, 0-

Joined: Jun 2006
From: MSG Land

What is love?

A student asks a teacher, "What is love?"
The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the wheat
field and choose the biggest wheat and come back.
But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back
to pick."
The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big wheat,
but he wonders....may be there is a bigger one later.
Then he saw another bigger one... but may be there is an even bigger
one waiting for him.
Later, when he finished more than half of the wheat field, he starts to
realise that the wheat is not as big as the previous one he saw, he
knew he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted.
So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand. The teacher
told him, "...this is love... you keep looking for better ones, but
when later you realise, you have already missed the person.

ed0gawa

Jan 21 2008, 10:51 AM

Show posts by this member only | Post #817

coconut

Group: Senior Member
Posts: 3,975
Ratings earned: 0+, 0-
Ratings given: 0+, 0-

Joined: Jan 2003

QUOTE(aLittleMisfit @ Jan 21 2008, 08:52 AM)

What is love?

A student asks a teacher, "What is love?"
The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the wheat
field and choose the biggest wheat and come back.
But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back
to pick."
The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big wheat,
but he wonders....may be there is a bigger one later.
Then he saw another bigger one... but may be there is an even bigger
one waiting for him.
Later, when he finished more than half of the wheat field, he starts to
realise that the wheat is not as big as the previous one he saw, he
knew he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted.
So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand. The teacher
told him, "...this is love... you keep looking for better ones, but
when later you realise, you have already missed the person.

This ain't a joke .. it is so farking true ....

vey99

Jan 21 2008, 01:41 PM

Show posts by this member only | Post #818

Hie ;)

Group: Senior Member
Posts: 1,400
Ratings earned: 0+, 0-
Ratings given: 0+, 0-

Joined: Jun 2006

QUOTE(aLittleMisfit @ Jan 21 2008, 08:52 AM)

What is love?
"...this is love... you keep looking for better ones, but
when later you realise, you have already missed the person.

yeah i stopped laughing after i read this. this is far from jokes

hizperion

Jan 21 2008, 01:44 PM

Show posts by this member only | Post #819

Relentless Revolver

Group: Senior Member
Posts: 720
Ratings earned: 0+, 0-
Ratings given: 0+, 0-

Joined: Jan 2003
From: United Subang Jaya Expire: Oct 2077

kenny B

Jan 21 2008, 01:56 PM

Show posts by this member only | Post #820

Enthusiast

Group: Senior Member
Posts: 709
Ratings earned: 0+, 0-
Ratings given: 0+, 0-

Joined: Nov 2006

lol everyone is sad

« Next Oldest · Jokes Heaven · Next Newest »