A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially, so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.
A gentleman pulled up shortly after, and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100.
She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That's too much!" He then asked "How much for a handjob?"
She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much. The husband said, "Ask for $40." The woman ran back and informed the client.
He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was exceptionally well-hung.
She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked, "Now what?"
The wife replied, "Can I please borrow $60?"
Added on December 19, 2007, 4:18 pm
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions, but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once," replied the woman.
"Well, how did he look?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Very angry," replied the woman.
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting. We must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
The wife answered, "He was looking through the window at us."
Added on December 19, 2007, 4:18 pm
A newlywed couple was spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for five days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were alright. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were okay.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love," came the reply.
The old man responded, "I thought so. Would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"
Added on December 19, 2007, 4:21 pm
It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom of the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds.
After a long wait, the family ate without them. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"
The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think . . ." "Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.
At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat. As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up.
At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think . . ." "Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily.
"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"
Added on December 19, 2007, 4:28 pm
Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce.
"Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little Johnny.
"Well, son," he explained, "Your mother and I are no longer in love."
Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, "What does being in love mean?"
"Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I have lost that love."
"But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home, so she must still be in love with you."
"I don't understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited when I arrive home from work?"
"Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbor, and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top of her lungs, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"
Added on December 19, 2007, 4:40 pm
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time, and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - 10 - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Added on December 19, 2007, 4:42 pm
A young woman brings her fiancee' home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiancee' to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee'.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "The bad news is, he has no job and no plans. However, the good news is he thinks I'm God."
Added on December 19, 2007, 4:43 pm
One day a fellow was talking to his buddy, when he remarked, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"
The first fellow replied, "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"
Added on December 19, 2007, 4:44 pm
The man and woman had been married for 50 years and it was their wedding anniversary. The wife asked her husband what he wanted for an anniversary present.
He thought for a few minutes and then stated that for years now, he has wondered what she kept in that locked drawer in her bureau. She had kept it locked since they were married and he was dying to find out what it was.
The wife thought about it for a moment, then agreed. She went over and unlocked the drawer. And there inside was what appeared to be thousands of dollars. The drawer was completely full of money. And on top of the pile was three eggs.
Now the husband is really curious, and he asks her what the three eggs were for. She told him that any time she had been unfaithful to him during their marriage, she had placed an egg in the drawer to remind her of what she had done.
At first, the man was devastated. He felt betrayed by her transgression. But the more he thought about it, after all, it had been fifty years and there were only three eggs. He decided to forgive her and told her so.
Then he asked what all the money was from and his wife replied, "Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them!"
Added on December 19, 2007, 4:45 pm
Bob and Brownie decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by," the boy continued.
A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
His Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too," his son replied.
Added on December 19, 2007, 4:50 pm
It was with much wringing of hands that Rachael discovered her husband, Hymie, had a mistress. Rachael, however, was not the sort to kill the goose that lays golden eggs. Rather, she decided to find out what the mistress had that she didn't.
After a long interrogation, Hymie finally relented. "Well, to tell you the truth, Rachael, you are too cold. When we make love you don't do anything. You just lay there, whereas she moans and groans with feeling."
"Is that all?" thought Rachael. "Is that all there is to it?"
That night she dressed in her most alluring lingerie, slipped Hymie a shot of his favorite cognac and got him into bed.
Halfway through the business, she decided to give him her most passionate moans and groans. "Oh Hymie, darling," she began. "I've had the most terrible day. Our shares dropped two points. The washing machine broke down. You don't give me enough housekeeping money ..."
Added on December 19, 2007, 4:56 pm
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, "It's worth a shot."
So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche. "Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"
"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.
When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, "You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money."
Added on December 19, 2007, 5:08 pmStoney and his wife, Shirley, went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stoney would say, "Shirley, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Shirley would say, "I know, Stoney, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year, Stoney and Shirley went to the fair and Stoney said, "Shirley, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year, I may never get another chance." Shirley replied, "Stoney, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's ten dollars." Stoney and Shirley agreed and up they go.
The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Stoney, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stoney replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Shirley fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
This post has been edited by junnie87: Dec 19 2007, 05:08 PM |
|
Relationship Joke 
Dec 19 2007, 04:16 PM
