PWNED... LOL

Four-some maybe

Backseat Cook


A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

The wife stared at him and asked, "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

Things Men Shouldn't Say in a Victoria's Secret Store


1. No Thanks. ... Just Sniffing.

2. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

3. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.

4. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.

5. Will you model this for me???

6. Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that.

7. RM350?? Are you kidding? She's just gonna end up NAKED anyway!

Funeral arrangements


Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...

"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

this really made me spill my drink

The Experiment


An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained.

"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten..."

Bedroom Conversation



Wife: Oh, come on.

Husband: Leave me alone!

Wife: It won't take long.

Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Wife: I can't sleep without it.

Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Wife: Because I'm Hot.

Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times.

Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Wife: You don't love me anymore.

Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Wife: (Sob-Sob)

Husband: Alright, I'll do it.

Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Husband: I can't find it.

Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Husband: There! Are you satisfied?

Wife: Oh, yes, honey.

Husband: Is it up far enough?

Wife: Oh, that's fine.

Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

deteced it from the beginning lor this 1

Sandwich Making


A guy and a girl want to have sex. So they go to the girl's house and before entering her room, the girl stops and says, "My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing. So when I say, 'Baloney,' it means push harder, and when I say, 'Pastrami,' it means push softer."

With this, the two get onto the top bunk and start having sex. First the girl moans, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!"

Then she shouts, "Pastrami! Pastrami! Pastrami!" Then she switches back to, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!"

Finally, the girl's sister yells, "Will you guys quit making sandwiches up there? You're getting mayonnaise all over me!"

Statue Fantasy


An old wizard was walking through a park when he came upon two statues. One statue was male and the other was female. They were positioned on opposite ends of the park, facing each other with their arms extended out as if to embrace. The wizard stood there for a long time examining their sad facial expressions until he got an idea.

He immediately opened up his bag of tricks and cast a spell on the statues to bring them to life. Once the statues realized they were human, they quickly ran up to him. The wizard, being very pleased with himself, told the statues that they could finally be together as a couple but there was one condition. He said, ''Go off and experience with each other whatever you've wanted to do for all these years but you must be back within a half an hour before the spell wears off.''

Wasting no time, they quickly ran off into the bushes. The wizard, with great pride, sat down on a park bench and waited patiently. Fifteen minutes later the two statues came walking back to him.

The wizard, with great shock exclaimed, ''For over a hundred years you both have bore your passions and now that you have your chance, you come back after only fifteen minutes? Go back to the bushes and continue what you were doing before you lose your only chance!''

With that in mind the female turns to the male and exclaims, ''The old man's right. But this time you hold down the pigeons and I'll crap on them!''

more please!

Child custody


A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"



This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Jan 29 2007, 10:01 AM

Baby knows it all


A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could talk like an adult. When he was two, he could read anything. When he was three, he could do advanced calculus. When he was four, he could predict the future.

One day, he made three predictions: "One year from today, I will die. Two years from today, my mother will die. Three years from today, my father will die."

Sure enough, a year later the young boy died.

The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up his wife with a million dollars in life insurance. A year later she died.

The father collected the million dollar insurance benefit, and, figuring he only had a year before his own death, went on a 364-day binge...Fast cars, faster women, exotic vacations, and flings with supermodels.

His timing was perfect, for on the 364th day, he blew the last penny on a Blue Sapphire martini and an exotic dancer with a taste for overpriced champagne and sexy lingerie.

At midnight, he toasted himself, "What a way to go," and slipped off into what he assumed would be his big sleep.

To his amazement, he woke up the next morning. He had cheated death! He was invincible!

Then the exotic dancer with whom he'd spend the night broke the news. "Honey, better come quick, the gardener's dead."

Pick Up Lines


1. Do you believe in love at first sight?...Or do I have to walk by again?

2. Do you sleep on your stomach?...no?....Can I ?

3. Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cuz I can easily see myself in your pants.

4. Tomorrow morning, do you want me to call you or nudge you?

5. Your parents must be bakers cuz they sure put out a great set of buns!

6. Your parents must be thieves cuz someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

7. Do you have a quarter? Cuz I promised I would call my mother as soon as I fell in love.

8. Do you have some Irish in you? Would you like a little Irish in you?

9. Pardon me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?

10. Would you like to go home for a pizza and a f***?....*slap*...what? you don't like pizza?

11. Your legs must be tired cuz you've been running through my mind all night.

12. That shirt is very becoming on you, of course if I were that shirt I would be coming on you too.

13. If I told you I liked your body would you hold it against me?

14. Pez?

15. I heard milk was good for your body, but damn! You must drink gallons at a time!

16. Hi, my name is Billy. Don't forget, because you'll be screaming it later tonight.

17. Excuse me, but could you give me directions?

To where?

Your heart...

18. f*** me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?

19. Come over here and sit on my lap--we can talk about the first thing that pops up.

20. Excuse me Miss, is that dress felt?...Would you like it to be?

21. The voices in my head say you should go out with me....

22. Hey, is it hot in here, or is it just you.

23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you and I together.

24. I just made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with the rest of my body.

25. Person A: I'm sorry, were you talking to me?

Person B: No

Person A: Well then, please start.

26. If I follow you home, will you keep me?

27. Have you ever been licked until tears rolled from your eyes?

28. Pardon me, but may I attempt to seduce you?

29. Lick finger, and rub it on the clothing of the person, then rub it on yours. Just a light touch will do. "So, what do you say we get out of these wet clothes..."

30. (hold up first two fingers on one hand)

Know why you should use these two fingers to masturbate?

No, why?

Because they're mine.

31. A: Walks up to "B" and gently pulls up "B's" collar and looks at the tag in the shirt.

A: Hmph and a long pause. Then A walks away.

B: What the hell? What was that? etc...

A: Oh... I was just checking to see if it said "Made in Heaven."

32. I've got the ship, you've got the harbor...let's say we tie up for the night?

33. A: Did it hurt?

B: What?!?!?!?!?

A: When you fell from the sky as an angel!

The Affair


An 80 year old man went into the confessional and told the priest the following:

"Father, I am an 80 year old man, I'm married, I have 4 children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 18 year old girls. We partied and made love all night long."

The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you were at confession?"

The old man said, "I have never been to confession, I'm Jewish."

The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?"

The old man said, "Father, I'm telling everyone!"



This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Jan 30 2007, 09:35 AM

Bedroom Keyhole


A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"

Honey, I'm Home


A husband comes home from work after another long day at the office.

Upon entering his front door, however, he is puzzled to find the hallway scattered with toys, jackets and a pile of unopened mail on the floor. Even more surprising, when he entered the living room he found toys everywhere, overflowing ashtrays and dirty teacups from the night before. Now starting to get worried that something might be wrong, he goes into the kitchen, only to find the sink full of dirty dishes, the tiled floor filthy from muddy paw prints and kids' footprints, and again toys, unwrapped food and an even bigger mess.

Now in a panic, he quickly climbs the cluttered stairs and bursts into the bedroom, only to find the bed unmade and his wife sitting at the window admiring the view.

"What the hell has happened dear? It's like a war zone in here!"

"Well dear, every day you walk through that door from a long day at the office, and every day you ask me the same question: 'what did you do today dear?' Well today I didn't do it!!!"

Two high school sweethearts


Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four
years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other.

When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the different college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love.

Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend,
she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this:
she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's
unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note
reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to HER parents.