Hi all,

Not sure if this wan came out....too much to go thru...sorry in advance....

Turkey: So, what is my future?
Fortune Teller: You'll be migrating to a warmer climate.

Turkey: How warm?
Fortune Teller: 350C

Forwarded Mails (Might be offensive to some)

When I was born, I was given a choice - A big
d*** or a good memory.
I don't remember, what I chose.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter
from the condom factory.

A wife is a sex object.
Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

There are only two four letter words that are
offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next
to the best thing on earth.

There are three stages of sex in a man's life:
Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

Virginity is not dignity, its lack of
opportunity.

Marriage is the only war where you get to
sleep with the enemy.

A couple just married were happy with the
whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with
the Thing......

Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your
burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you
married her?"
Millionaire: " Billionaire"

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning. hahahahaha!!

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or
my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of
humor.

Sorry for the long list....just spicing up the day...
Have a great one everybody...

---

Added on November 26, 2008, 4:40 pmHi again jus got this one,

Its a long one, hope not repost...enjoy

A Dog Named SEX!!

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine "Sex". He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When i went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!" Then i said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then i said,"You don't understand. I've had Sex since i was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."

When i married and went on my honeymoon, I tokk the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that i wanted a room for my husband and me, and a sepcial room for Sex. He said "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny, I have the same problem."

One day i entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why i was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the competition. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hope to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal any more."

When my husband and I separated, we went to court for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honour, I had Sex before i was married." The judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please." Then I told him after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me, too."

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4a.m?" I told him that i was looking for Sex." My case comes up Friday.

Peace

This post has been edited by qarlkross: Nov 26 2008, 04:40 PM

worth a laugh...lol~~~

I laught like shit abt the dog joke...i mean who would name his or her dog "Sex" LOL!!

The dog story make me LOL-ed hard

some random stuff from email.

Summary of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you bend down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 18 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

---

Added on December 9, 2008, 1:12 amunsure if this is repost but...


Seorang wartawan lelaki telah di tugaskan membuat liputan dan siasatan
mengenai aktiviti

kelab gay di Bukit Bintang. Dia di kehendaki menyamar sebagai gay.
Wartawan itu dengan

senang hati menggayakan pakaian dan cara seorang gay. Setelah seminggu
mempelajari

tingkahlaku dan gaya seorang gay, akhirnya pada malam minggu itu
wartawan itu masuk ke

kelab gay tersebut.

Wartawan itu dipasang dengan microphone n camera bersaiz kecil bagi
merakam segala aksi

dan aktiviti di kelab gay tersebut. Setelah masuk wartawan itu terus
menuju ke bar utama dan

memesan segelas bir. Dia hanya duduk sambil memerhatikan
gelagat-gelagat gay di kelab

tersebut. Ada yang menari dan ada yang duduk sambil berpeluk-pelukan
sesama lelaki.

Wartawan itu merasa geli geleman melihat tingkahlaku mereka.

"Hai...sorang ke bro", tiba-tiba wartawan itu di sapa.

"A'ah, saya tunggu kawan saya. Tak sampai-sampai lagi ni", kata
wartawan itu separuh

menjerit kerana kebingitan muzik di kelab itu.

Tiba-tiba wartawan itu berasa sakit perut. Rasa seperti ingin kentut sahaja.

"Muzik tengah kuat ni bolehlah aku kentut ni", bisik hati wartawan itu.

Wartawan itu pun melepaskan kentutnya. Satu demi satu.
Berturut-turutan. Tiba-tiba muzik

rancak itu berhenti kerana DJ nya ingin menukar ke lagu perlahan.
Sementara proses

pertukaran lagu itu kentut wartawan itu telah di dengari oleh gay-gay
yg berhampiran dengan

wartawan itu.

"Eh eh... ada dara lagi la kat sini", ujar salah seorang gay di situ
sambil memandang wartawan

itu.

"A'ah lah... kat depan kita ada dara", ujar yang lain pula.

Semua gay di situ telah pergi mendapatkan wartawan itu. Semua wajah
mereka menunjukkan

keghairahan nafsu yang ketara.

"Saya bukan dara lagi la", ujar wartawan itu.

"Kalau dah tak dara kenapa kentut. Kuat lak tu. Sempit tuu...", ujar
salah seorang gay itu.

Tergamam wartawan itu. Akhirnya dirinya di noda secara bergilir-gilir
oleh pengunjung kelab

gay itu. Menangis teresak-esak wartawan itu. Akhirnya nikmat kentut
sudah tidak akan dapat

dirasai lagi sepanjang hidupnya.

Moral kepada lelaki : Jangan kentut dihadapan GAY. AWAS!!



This post has been edited by gummy88: Dec 9 2008, 01:12 AM

lol =.= never fart in front of gay...haha i got the lesson

U Bad Boy...........I know that S are KS but not surely and really idiot lah.

The Proxy Father

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''

''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.

''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''

''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''

''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''

''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''

''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.

''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''

''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''

''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''

''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

''Yes,'' the photographer said.

''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''

''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''

''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''

---

Added on January 7, 2009, 5:24 pmThree Nuns

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"

The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"

---

Added on January 7, 2009, 5:25 pmSensitive Beer

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

---

Added on January 7, 2009, 5:26 pm****************************************
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus,' send me a brother'
Santa wrote back,' SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'

****************************************
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress

***********************************
Husband asks , 'Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
Without Information Fighting Everytime
Wife replies,' No, It means ,
With Idiot For Ever !!!'

**************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.

**************************************
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one,
my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver
ran away.

**************************************
A women asks man who is traveling with six children,
'Are all these kids yours??'
The man replies, ' No, I work in a condom factory
and these are customer complaints'.

*************************************
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference
between confident and confidential.
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that.

Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!'

This post has been edited by nelsonyap48: Jan 7 2009, 05:26 PM

Hmmm...some has been post before..

an old school joke .. not sure whether it work or not ^^



Ah Beng is a bus driver; one day got this old folks home 'pao' his bus for a day trip to Pulau Ketam.

Sitting right behind the driver's seat is Grandma Sue and from his rear mirror Ah Beng can see that Grandma Sue is happily munching away..

In the middle of the road trip, Grandma Sue tapped Ah Beng on his shoulder and asked him...

Grandma: 'Ah Beng ah! You want peanuts boh? Grandma treat you eat peanut ai mai?'

Ah Beng: 'Tenkiu ah ma... wa ai!'

Then Ah Beng also happy happy munching peanuts... about 20 minutes down the road, Grandma Sue asked Ah Beng again...

Grandma: 'Ah Beng ah! You want peanuts boh? Grandma treat you eat peanut ai mai?'

Ah Beng: 'Tenkiu ah ma ... ai ai!'

To make the story short, this goes on for a few more times then Ah Beng finally asks Grandma Sue...

Ah Beng: 'Ah ma ah .! ... you dont eat peanuts one meh?'

Grandma: 'No... no eat! Ah ma boh gigi la!'

Ah Beng: 'Aiks! Boh gigi then why ah ma buy peanuts leh?'

Grandma: 'aiya.. ! Just now that 7-11 bo chocolate liao.. so ah ma kena buy this peanut chocolate lor! dun worry Ah ma lick the chocolate around the peanut clean clean then only ah ma give u peanut to eat!'

One day, Ah Chai bring his son to Steve Corner to have his favourites Roti Telor there. So he ordered wit Ah Mat, "Roti Telor 2, Kuah kasi curry ikan, manis sikit". So Ah Mat take the order and deliver it to Ah Chai 5 minutes later. Ah Chai so happy see his favourites Roti Telor and fast fast eat it with the curry. After he tasted the curry, he got angry b'cos he realised the curry is not fresh. He think the curry must be leftover from yesterday. So he shouted at Ah Mat "Oi, Ah Mat, this curry tak ada fresh la! Then At Mat reply "Oh, this curry we cook yesterday but still can eat Ah Chai" Angry with the replied, Ah Chai shouted again "Cepat bawak fresh hari ni punya curry, I tak makan curry semalam". So Ah Mat replied "Semua curry, ayam, ikan, daal cooked yesterday la". So Ah Chai shouted "I tak ada kisah, cepat bawa hari ini punya kari!" So Ah Mat thinked awhile before replying "Ah Chai, Kalau you mau hari ini punya curry, you boleh datang besok"

loled at PLKN

TV vs HP

Wife is like TV, girlfriend is like Handphone (HP)

At home watch TV, go out bring HP.

No money, sell TV. Got money change HP.

Sometimes enjoy TV, but most of the time play with HP.

TV free for life but HP, if you don't pay the services will be
terminated

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old, but handphone is cute, slim,

curvy and very portable at any time.

Operational cost for TV is often acceptable but for HP is high and
often demanding,

Most Important, TV got remote.. HP don't have..

Last but not least....... .

TV do not have virus, but h/p yes....have VIRUS.......
once get it, terus KONG........ haha .....
so better choose TV .....

here some standard 1

ali yang tidak memahami bahasa english dan lalu bertanya kawan dia abu

ALI:ehh...abu kau lembu ke???
abu:menumbuk ali sehingga telantar di lantai

mereka berdua di kaunseling oleh guru penasihatnya

cikgu:ali ali apa yang awak cakap sehingga abu marah dan tumbuk
awak
Ali :tak ade cikgu saya tanya ''cow lembu ke???

Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar: India ..
Boss: which part?
Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India .

2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb
explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.

Sardar: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Sardar: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.


At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

Sardar: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India Radio! '

In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child.

Now that's a good 1.The sardar is indeed noobie~

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.

As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.”

The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.

Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?

The first motel she could find. (She’s old, not dead!)

---

Added on February 15, 2009, 12:07 amThese are actual answers on a McDonald’s application submitted by a 17 year old kid someplace in Florida. They actually hired him too. I think this kid’s gonna go far…

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.


This post has been edited by EastSoil: Feb 15 2009, 12:07 AM

LOL if there's such an applicant like tis in Malaysia..KO-ed XD

Got this from a colleague today..not sure it's been written here before anot...

Title: TOMATO STORY...

A Jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

'You are employed' he said. Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.

The man replied 'But I don't have a computer, neither an email'.

'I'm sorry', said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.'

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours,
he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times,
and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.

Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US
He started to plan his family's future, an d decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.
The man replied,'I don't have an email.'
The broker answered curiously, 'You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e mail?!!' The man thought for a while and replied, 'Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!'
Moral of the story

Moral 1
Internet is not the solution to your life.

Moral 2
If you don't have Internet, but work hard, you can be a millionaire.

Moral 3
If you received this message by email,
you are closer to being an office boy/girl, than a millionaire..........


P.S - Do not forward this email back to me,
I am closing my email account & going to sell tomatoes!!!

I heard this story before..it has been posted,but anyway it's still funny ^^